7/11/10
A friend recently complained that women always get the
short straw. They suffer menstruation, pregnancy, hormone fluctuations,
menopause, the lions share of child rearing, housework and of course men!
I listened attentively acknowledging all she was being
saying. When she finally paused to sip her tea, I caught her eye and said. ”Why
then, do men die earlier?”
This proposition hung in the silent air! I took the
opportunistic gap to explain. Let’s take the average guy – there are so many
it’s not hard to visualize one. He loves meat and sport – both washed down with
several beers. If he didn’t have a wife, kids and a fat mortgage he would
mainline on a diet of those three things. And when I say sport – I am talking
about it in the broadest possible sense. You do realize I mean TOTAL control of
the TV remote too!
We might as well count sex under the “sport” category
as well. The same basic parameters apply in most men’s minds. They see it as a
type of sport, between themselves, the whole aggressive stance about beating off
male competition and getting the girl. Once they have them in bed it seems to be
a race, involving an intense desire to win!
Thus all the jokes about lack of foreplay (is that a
new type of golf club?), romance, (no thanks), and female anatomy (it still
remains a mystery to most of them). The obsession with winning explains the male
propensity to show-off and also why men are more likely to have accidents in
wild drunken activities from speeding to strange and unusual games caught on
video and uploaded on YouTube. God knows what the Aliens will think when they
finally get here. They won’t take us seriously if we poppy up with a male after
they ask, “take me to your leader!”
Being the beater – beating off all other males is a
stressful existence. But it’s an instinctive force, ever persuasive, from our
primitive cavemen days. It’s in their basic DNA and they can’t fight it so they
act it out until they are about 79.8 (average life expectancy of most men)!
Winning is everything. I guess we should be grateful
that they don’t drag us by the hair into the cave and grunt for us to assume the
position! So modern living has created a thin veneer of civilization – but the
pressure is still on the male to perform. Take farting for instance. If you are
a man reading this you are probably already grinning broadly. It doesn’t matter
how often and how loud. They are eternally entertained by there own ability to
out blast the competition. Childlike? Check. Competitive? Check. Primitive?
Check. Entertaining? Only if you have Y-chromosomes, so I rest my case!
Their original identity is now wrapped up in the
trappings of mere things. Men were the initiators of capitalism and consumerism
too. A faster, bigger car is an obvious symbol of masculinity and dominance over
the tribe. Of course that adds more stress to the average male these days, as
the tribe is so huge. The men where he works would out number and out manouvre
him 100 times over. The poor sod. Living in cities exposes men to so many taunts
and frustrations – daily he is confronted by fitter, younger, trimmer and better
branded cars than his own. It’s a daily insult – no wonder he comes home after
an hour’s commute in peak traffic and grunts for a beer and turns on TV. He is
using this to substitute for hiding in the cave and licking his ego bashed
wounds.
Another life shortening issue for the male species -
is diet. Most mean love meat and especially barbequed meat, with lots of fat and
ridges of blackened Acrylamide (toxic cancer causing chemicals found in burnt
meat) and add alcohol into the mix and you have a body being subjected to high
levels of oxidation – free radical damage, when all he wants is to eat around
the campfire. So of course cancers, heart disease mixed with poor diet and
stress is a perfect combo to knock a few years off your life expectancy. What’s
a few years anyway if you can guzzle down cold beers around the Barbie and talk
non-threatening rugby with your mates?
The shrinking life span is compounded by the
testosterone driven approach most males have to communication. Women will talk,
talk and talk. Cry, laugh and have full-on sessions going over it all with
various friends. It’s therapy. Men remain silent. Aloof and firmly in the dark
recesses of their cave. Too proud to accept any failings and desperate not to be
defined by any emotional outburst – other than the power and control they
demonstrate in anger. Expressing anger is a good one, it shows strength,
dominance and that age old thing of being right. Mr. Right. Many women are
married to Mr. Right. I was shocked to recently discover that it’s a
contemporary form of polygamy – I remember being taken aback when a friend
admitted she was married to Mr. Right too. What unholy satanic perversion was
this?!!
Over the next 12 months I undertook a survey of every
female I came across. I would somehow weave into the conversation – even if just
ordering a coffee.
Trim Latte please.
Do you want it in a cup or a glass?
Glass – thanks. Tell me – do you know Mr. Right?
Hell yeah – I’m married to him!
My mouth would fall open and I would exclaim in mock
horror, “I am too!”
I mean how many Mr. Rights are there? I’ve had to give
up the surveying now – although it was a pleasant and humorous interlude with
strangers – because I realized about 90% of females are married to Mr. Right and
the other 10% are just in training!
So when you think about it – much of what makes a man,
a man is what kills him sooner!
Competitive, in the boardroom and the bedroom, poor
diet, inability to openly express themselves, internalizes problems or bursts
into uncontrollable rage over something a female would just dust off and firmly
hide under the carpet where the dust bunnies nest. No wonder men’s bodies give
up sooner. Some are finally starting to learn not to sweat the small stuff. But
many just live to cherish the sweat addicted lifestyle they crave!
In conclusion, I think their straw is a lot shorter
than females. Especially when you consider all the pressure and stress they
create for themselves. You have to have huge sympathy and respect for their
achievements in their shorter life – being driven has got us to the moon…and
back! Of course it has also contributed to wars, famine and devastation of the
Earth’s resources too!